You Die Wondering Sometimes
by Death by Painkillers
Summary: Jizabel stepped over, leaning over the side of his operating table to look at his John Doe's face. "Do you know..?" he asked, then shook his head. He was being irrational. The only one who would know why he'd done it was Cassain himself.
1. Submitted

Disclaimers: If i owned them, I'd be drawing these nice little segments, eh?

Kaori Yuki.

* * *

"You're still up, Doctor?" Cassain questioned as he entered the room, ignoring the already familiar smell of formaldehyde and blood that tainted the small room. The Doctor looked up from his work, his favorite scalpel posed in his mouth, dripping with dark red blood from his most recent victim. His long, silver hair was tied into place behind his back in a loose ponytail, kept out of his way while he worked.

Seeing the brown-haired "boy", Doctor Jizabel Disreali smiled, silently welcoming him into his lair. Cassain had previously been trapped in the body of a 12-year-old, only to be freed by the Doctor, who ended up transplanting his brain into that of an older man, suiting his real age.

Cassain stepped over to the cold, metal table where the Doctor stood, leaning over a bit to see his friend's latest victim. The victim was male, with black hair and closed eyes. He didn't appear to be breathing, although his arms and legs were strapped down. His skin was pale, giving the John Doe an aristocratic look. He looked a lot like Jizabel's half-brother, Cain, which was probaly why the Doctor had been in his room for hours longer than usual.

The body lay cut open, in the traditional "Y" shape of autopsy. The skin was folded professionally over the sides of the lifeless body as the Doctor explored its insides, performing some unknown experiment. "Is it alive..?" the brown-haired man asked, brown eyes flickering up to the Doctor questioningly. Jizabel looked up, meeting his gaze with silver-blue eyes for a split second before they both looked away quickly, looking down at the John Doe instead, each hiding a slight blush.

The Doctor removed the scalpel from his pale lips with a gloved hand, accidentally tainting the white of his skin with the red of the blood. "He's alive..." he said, pointing to the heart and tracing the air above an artery, indicating the slight pulse of the victim. "I'm almost done, though. Want to watch..?" he invited, internally hoping that the other man would stay, but keeping such emotions inside of him, as he'd trained himself to do.

Cassain almost recoiled; if he'd been any weaker, he would have left the instant he smelled the blood. Instead, he stepped over to Jizabel's side of the silver, blood-stained table. The silver-haired man gave a slight nod before pulling the skin back into place, covering the John Doe's insides up before picking up new tools, preparing to stitch him back together.

The brown-haired man watched silently, as he knew better than to try and talk to the Doctor while he was stitching up. Jizabel worked quickly, inserting almost invisible, dissolvable stitches along his previous cutting lines. The red of the skin would fade with time, as would the stitches. The only visible trace that the Doctor would leave on his victim would be a faint scar, only noticeable if someone was looking closely for it.

As he finished up, the older man put away his tools; eyes scanning his victim to make sure everything was in its proper place. Satisfied, he set to cleaning up his tools and workplace. After all, he wasn't a messy person, and disliked to leave things out of order.

The brown-haired man helped; he hated feeling useless. He carefully handed tools to the Doctor, then pulled a cloth out to wipe up the mess in quick strokes. As they finished, Jizabel turned to Cassain, slightly looking up and into the other man's brown eyes, preparing to say something.

Absently, Cassain reached out, gently swiping his thumb across the blood stain on his superior's cheek, silencing the thoughts of the other man. He narrowed his eyes as the red refused to leave, his hand slowly pushing underneath the Doctor's chin, tilting his head up some. He leaned over, gently licking the blood spot, the red disappearing under his persistence.

Noticing what the brown-haired man was doing, both of the men stopped, their cheeks turning a shade of red that couldn't be wiped away. Cassain's eyes trailed down to meet Jizabel's, invoking a staring match as each tried to read the other. Jizabel's lips subconsciously parted as his head was tilted up more, and Cassain leaned down once again, gently pressing his lips to the Doctor's.

After a long moment, Cassain pulled back, his blush only deepening as Jizabel's eyes fluttered open, staring with open curiosity. The brown-haired man bit his lip, his hand dropping from the Doctor's chin. He turned, looking away. "..Sorry..." he murmured, sighing to himself.

Jizabel shook his head, recovering slowly. He blinked, staring at the other man, confusion lining his silver eyes, "Why..?" he asked, inadvertently tilting his head. The younger man glanced at him, his blush only deepening before he turned, "...nothing, never mind..." he murmured, more to himself as he walked out.

The Doctor's silver eyes stared after the other man, his own blush turning a deeper red as his hand trailed up, fingertips pushing against his own lips in surprise. _'Why..?'_ he repeated to himself, his blush only deepening, He turned, looking, instead, at the body that lay breathing silently on his table.

He stepped over, leaning over the side to look at his John Doe's face. "Do you know..?" he asked, then shook his head. He was being irrational. The only one who would know why he'd done it was Cassain himself. He sighed as he picked up a syringe. Inserting the needle into his victim's arm, he watched as the drug slowly started to take effect, the coloring of the aristocrat's skin becoming healthier as the drug jump-started his systems again, slowly waking him up.

It was going to be a long night.


	2. Dissecting Love?

Kaori Yuki.

* * *

_'Three...'_ Thunk _'...Four..,'_ Cassain counted silently as he threw knives at a dartboard, each one hitting the exact center, knocking the previous one out of the way. He was practicing to keep his mind preoccupied, but it wasn't working. Instead, it was giving him time to think about what had happened the night before. _'Why did I kiss him?!'_ he asked himself as he threw another knife, hitting the center once again without even meaning to. _'Five... I wonder why he hasn't kicked me out or something. Maybe he's planning to dissect me instead..?'_ he shook his head as the thought made him miss completely, the knife puncturing the "5" on the board instead.

He sighed, standing up and trodding over to the board to pull out his knives and start over. _'He hates humans... I know that..'_ the man told himself as he shuffled back to his chair, sitting down and propping his legs up on the desk as he threw the first knife, starting his game over again..

It was true that the Doctor did hate humans. He was only truly at peace with animals, and for a long time, he wouldn't even eat meat. Then something happened to him, something that Cassain wasn't so sure of, and he changed completely. Whatever had happened turned the adorable Jizabel Disreali into a cold, emotionless killer who enjoyed performing inhumane experiments on people. He didn't trust anybody, and he'd devoted his life to winning the love of his father, Alexis, who only used him as a pawn.

Cassain gritted his teeth together at the thought, throwing the next knife with enough force to slice through the previous one, and to crack the dartboard. He stopped, blinking in surprise and staring at his mess for a minute. Half of the dartboard and the first knife he'd thrown dropped to the ground with a loud "clunk," startling him into action.

He stood up, quickly going over and picking up the dartboard and knife that had fallen to the ground, setting them on the desk. He leaned over to inspect the damage he'd done, grimacing as he noticed the knife stuck in the wall, the other half of the dartboard propped up on top of the handle. _'So that's why it didn't fall,'_ he couldn't help but chuckle as he removed the leftover target, wrapping his hand around the handle of the blade and pulling it out with some effort.

A noise sounded behind him, and he turned quickly, preparing to throw the knife that now resided in his hand. He stopped as he realized that the noise had come from the Doctor, who stood staring at him. "What was that..?" he asked in a sleepy voice, words slurring together as his silver eyes took in the scene.

"Um… nothing..." he quickly glanced down to the knife in his hands. Realizing that the silver edge was littered with bits of wallpaper and wood from the wall, he quickly put it down on the desk beside its victim and fallen comrade. The Doctor nodded, accepting this without an argument. Cassain stopped, surprised. Normally he wouldn't have bought that.

"Doctor, did you sleep last night..?" the brown-haired man asked, crossing the room and sidestepping the desk to walk up to him. The other man's silver eyes fluttered open from their unusual dazed state, reminding both men of the night before, and causing them to blush a bit.

"I didn't…" he admitted with a slight smile, "...my patient wasn't finished." Cassain blinked, tilting his head slightly, "what do you mean?" "He took a while to convince." After performing certain experiments that the victim wasn't allowed to know of, the Doctor took his time altering the memories of the victim. Cassain wasn't sure how; he never stayed for that part of the ritual. He did once, and found himself believing every word the Doctor was feeding his 'patient'.

He nodded, holding out a hand to the Doctor, "you should take the day off. To catch up on sleep, I mean…" he stopped himself, his voice trailing off. Jizabel nodded, glancing at his outstretched hand, then tilting his head he saw something that interested him. Noticing the look, the younger man followed his gaze, confused. Jizabel reached out, pushing his hand underneath Cassain's, gently pulling it over to him.

Silver eyes scanned the younger man's slightly darker skin as he held on to it. There was a cut on the palm of Cassain's hand, probably from when he had pulled the knife out of the wall. Cassain blushed, glancing away but not moving, vaguely wondering what the Doctor was going to do.

Jizabel slowly lifted Cassain's hand up to his lips, gently licking the blood from the wound, stopping the bleeding as he did. He closed his eyes, blushing slightly before pulling out a bandage to bind it in.

He bit his lip, looking up at the brown-haired man once he figured out what it was he'd just done. "Sorry..." the silver-haired man mumbled this time, glancing away. Cassain gazed down at him, gently gripping his hand and pushing his free hand under the Doctor's chin, tilting his head up once more.

He leaned forward in a replay of the night before, kissing him full on the lips without hesitating once, his eyes closing as he did. Jizabel recovered quickly, tilting his head up more to deepen their kiss as he stepped closer, his free hand reaching out to rest on Cassain's hip as his eyes closed.

The brown-haired man held back a gasp at the Doctor's reaction, threading their fingers and gripping his hand again as he kissed him harder, both of them blushing deeper with each passing second. Cassain's unscathed hand gently pushed across the doctor's cheek, fingers threading into his hair.

They pulled back at the same time, each opening their eyes and staring at the other. Cassain bit his lip before stepping back, letting his hand drop from his hair. Jizabel gripped Cassain's hand obstinately, refusing to let go. The brown-haired man stopped, feeling his heart stop as well at the other man's silent request.

"Alright, I'm confused…" the younger man admitted, running his free hand through his brown hair. "About what..?" the Doctor asked, although he already knew. "This whole..." he sighed, trying to organize his thoughts, "...I thought you hated people..? Why would you--.""Let you kiss me..?" Jizabel interrupted with a slight apologetic smile. Cassain nodded, shocked into silence again. The Doctor shook his head, glancing off as his grip on the other man's hand tightened, "I don't know… I… don't mind as much… if it's you." He shrugged, realizing what he was saying, "…it doesn't make sense to me, either."

Cassain nodded, considering for a minute, "…then… will you hear me out..?" he found himself whispering. Jizabel nodded, ready to straighten this out. The younger man leaned close once more, brown eyes staring into curious silver eyes, displaying a sincerity that the Doctor had never seen before.

"Jizabel…" he started, the name he'd never used without a title sounded awkward, but pleasant, "…I love you." With that, he straightened up, biting his lip again and blushing deeper. The Doctor stood motionless, his heart speeding up to a rate he didn't think possible as he registered the words. "If that's true…" he started in a murmur, words silencing into thoughts as he continued, _'...why do I feel like this..? Do I… love Cassain?'_ "Anyway, that's all," Cassain mumbled, pulling away completely, hiding his blush from the other man as he turned.


	3. Tease

Kaori Yuki.

* * *

"Doctor, wake up…" Cassain said, his hand gently tapping the older man's shoulder. Jizabel sat at his desk, arms folded and head rested on top of it. He slept soundly, his features peaceful. His long hair lay in dim silver strands, scattered across his back and desktop. Cassain leaned closer, looking into the Doctor's face, almost startled by how peaceful he looked.

Jizabel's eyes opened slowly, silver eyes groggily taking in Cassain's curiosity. He sat up slowly, looking around, "I… fell asleep..?" he asked, although the answer was obvious. The brown-haired man nodded with a soft smile, "…yeah. You've been down here all day." "Huh..." he nodded to himself. It was the day after their second kiss, and Jizabel had gone back to his experiment room, accidentally falling asleep for the last few hours of the night.

"Are you alright..?" Cassain asked, looking concerned. Jizabel sat up slowly, stretching out his sore muscles as he did. "Yeah… why..?" he asked. Cassain shrugged, "you've been down here a lot lately…" The Doctor nodded with a soft sigh, "I've been trying to develop a stronger medicine for my… convincing…" he glanced at Cassain, trying to word it so he could understand.

Cassain nodded, "no luck..?" Jizabel shook his head, "if I up the... medicine... too much, it could end up killing the patient. I've been trying to find a way to get it right…""You'll get it," Cassain assured with a smile, confident in the other man. "What makes you so sure..?" Jizabel challenged, smiling despite himself. "Well, you transplanted my brain..." the brown-haired man shrugged, "...I figure this should be really easy for you."

"You have too much faith in me..." Jizabel smiled, standing up and stepping close to Cassain, reaching up and gently touching his cheek as he stared into his eyes. "I don't think so," the younger man insisted as he stepped closer, matching his gaze with his own. "I do. I doubt you can convince me…" Jizabel murmured in return, tilting his head up slightly.

"We'll see about that…" Cassain replied, his hand pushing past the Doctor's waist, resting on the desk behind him as he leaned closer. Jizabel smiled, leaning back on the desk as Cassain leaned against him, holding him in place with his body as he kissed him again, both men closing their eyes.

After a longer moment than before, they pulled back, staring into each other's eyes. "…I'm still not sure..." Jizabel teased in a whisper, blushing as he heard himself. "...I can fix that…" Cassain whispered, leaning close again and kissing him again, pressing his lips hard to his. Jizabel opened his mouth as Cassain pressed his body tight to his, his free hand capturing the older man's free hand, Jizabel threading their fingers as their embrace sweetened.

Cassain slowly pushed his tongue into the older man's mouth, deepening their lustful kiss as his arm slowly wrapped around him, pulling his chest into his own. Jizabel's hand slipped around his neck, pressing his body even closer to his as he gripped his hand.

Their lips parted for breath, only brief enough for Jizabel to whisper a pleading, "don't... stop…" Cassain smirked, both men closing their eyes before kissing again, pushing their tongues together and opening their mouths wider, kissing deeper as they held each other, their actions confirming each man's love for the other.

A knock at the front door interrupted their thoughts. Cassain sighed as he pulled back a bit, turning to look at the door. Another knock signified the visitor's impatience, generating another sigh from the younger man. He turned back to the Doctor, kissing him softly again, taking in his taste lustfully once more before pulling away, "…be right back…" he promised in a whisper.

Jizabel stood motionless, watching him leave with a sigh of his own. _'I could love him, after all…'_ he blushed as he realized, biting his lip and looking off, _'couldn't I?'_


	4. Damn John Doe

This one's rather small, huh?

- Dr. Temna's from _Monster_, but I used his name for Jizabel's alias. I actually own the anonymous John Doe aristorcat, though. Isn't that exciting?

Kaori Yuki.

* * *

Cassain walked to the front door, reluctantly pulling it open after another series of rapid knocks. "Yes..?" he asked, bottling up his emotions for later. The aristocratic John Doe from the other day stood at the door, scowling, "Who are you?" he demanded, looking Cassain over with blue eyes. Cassain opened the door all the way, bowing slightly, "I'm the doctor's assistant, Hein. How may I help you?" It was weird seeing the victim up and walking, but Cassain kept his cool, remembering the alias they'd decided on earlier.

"I'm here to see Dr. Tenma," the aristocrat replied, "I was told to come to a check-up today." Cassain nodded, stepping to the side to let him in, "of course." The John Doe stepped in, looking around as Cassain closed the door. "Please, have a seat, sir," he invited, "I'll get the Doctor."

As he sat down, Cassain slipped past the door, descending the stairs that led to the Doctor's room in a hurry. He stepped through another door to find the silver-haired man staring at the remains of his mother that were kept in a jar of formaldehyde. It looked like he'd been talking to them, but he turned around as he heard Cassain enter, "who was it?"

"The aristocrat from a couple days ago… your latest 'patient'," he explained. Jizabel nodded, stepping over to him, "I shouldn't make him wait, then..." he murmured as he walked past. Cassain resisted the strong urge to reach out and capture him, closing his eyes instead.

The door closed behind the Doctor, leaving Cassain alone with his "mother" and "sisters". He stepped over, inspecting the jars of random body parts scattered all over the room, not just of Jizabel's previous relatives, but of previous 'patients' also. _'I fell in love with a weird man…'_ he thought to himself as he stared at a jar of… something. It appeared to be beating, whatever it was… but it didn't look like a heart to Cassain.


	5. Zombie Drug

Kaori Yuki.

* * *

Jizabel stepped into the room half an hour later, sighing to himself. Cassain looked up from the book he had been reading with a slight smile, "he's gone?" The Doctor nodded, stepping over to look at what he was doing. Cassain was sitting on the desk, feet on the chair as he leaned over to read. In his hands was a book of the notes Jizabel had taken a few years back. Cassain didn't really understand any of it, but he liked the way the Doctor's handwriting looked.

Jizabel leaned slightly on Cassain as he looked at the book. "Oh, the Zombie Drug," he smiled, glancing up at Cassain, "do you understand any of it?" Cassain shrugged, "not really… I was just curious." The Doctor reached over, stealing the book from his hands and holding it in front of him, flipping through it, "basically, it's a drug that makes a person lose their better judgment and do insane things."

The brown-haired man nodded, reaching over and wrapping his arms around the older man, gently pulling him in between his legs. His hands rested on his belt, clasping together as he looked over his shoulder at the book, blushing slightly. Jizabel stopped, blushing as he leaned back on the younger man, closing his eyes.

"Jizabel…" he whispered the name again, daring to say it, "I love you…" Jizabel shivered, realizing for the first time that this could be the love that he so longed for. Instead of love from his father, could the love from Cassain make him feel… whole? He stopped, biting his lip as he considered it. If Cassain could love him, could accept all his flaws and still truly need him, could he truly love him back? _'Yes...' _he told himself, _'after all, I think that's what love is about...'_

"Cassain…" Jizabel whispered, turning a bit to look at him, "…say it again?" he looked up into his eyes. Cassain smiled, "…as many times as you want," he promised, leaning close again and nudging his nose gently with his, his lips gently brushing the older man's as he whispered, "I love you, Jizabel." The Doctor turned around in his arms, his hands gently gripping Cassain's sides as he looked up into his eyes, tilting his head up to press his lips softly to his.

"Cassain… I love you, too."

* * *

This is the last Chapter for the First Part.

There is a Second Part, but I don't know if I like it yet.

Thanks for being patient enough to read it all the way through. Leave comments, and critisize me. Be gentle, though, I'm still new at this (haha).


End file.
